Uhhh... What the fuck? Over!

Making mistakes can sometimes be fatal. Like if an artillery Fire Control Technician (the guy that tells the guys with the big guns where to shoot) kicks a number, what was intended to take out the bad guys could take out our own boys. Of course as luck would have it, its more than likely gonna hit right dead center of the Midvale school for the Deaf, Blind, and Retarded which will naturally be located right between a Giant Redwood Forest and a Baby Seal Sanctuary. That's Murphy...

But, mistakes don't always end in tragedy and public apology to PETA and Green Peace. On occasion, the EOD Gods take my hard work into account and they shine down upon me entertainment on a very grand scale. Such was the case today. (Due to the secure nature of the incident (nobody with a lot of brass wants to be laughed at publicly) I can't tell you the whole story, but I can sum it up with one collective statement.) Read what the entire page has to say, because if you don't, you could embarrass yourself and others on 3 different continents very quickly and spend a LOT of money in the process. For example... If a document says "The disposition of the item is nuclear..." Don't assume that someone is building Nuclear IED's. Read on down the page. You might realize that the nature of the item is in fact "UNclear" at this time and that you will get more info as it is discovered. Besides. Just how bad would a nuclear device be that's in a water bottle??? Just saying. I'm just saying... or as my partner so aptly put it today...

Uhhh... What the fuck? Over.

I am not a whore...

LESLIE!!!! Are you ok? I haven't blogged in a while and I just wanted to make sure that you are still alive. I have been told that my lack of blogging has been extremely detrimental to your health. I'm sorry. I've been super busy and I greatly apologize and remember that ALL things can be solved with the proper application of High Explosives.

I AM NOT A WHORE!!! If you don't know who the band LMFAO is, get off my freaking blog right now and check them out RIGHT NOW!!! I AM NOT A WHORE... but I like to do it...

So EOD has a new meaning. It apparently now reads "Hey, ask me about that fucking movie!!!"

If you haven't seen "The Hurt Locker", please rush right out and burn down any theater that is showing it. It's not necessarily a bad movie, it just isn't what EOD is. I can't wait however to get back to the states and hear some kid in a bar use it as a pickup line. "Yeah, you seen The Hurt Locker? Yeah, that's what I do. I'm EOD." I will be sure to raise the bullshit flag. Even if Noel is with me, she will understand when I swoop in and cock-block the guy simply because he's being an idiot. I'm actually sorta hoping some guy tries to pull the shit with her. That would be epic.

Anyway, I'm back and I'll try to be a little more consistent. Sorry Leslie. Please don't freak out!!!

FNG's, scrounging, and small taco's. What a day...

Today was... productive.

We didn't process a bit of evidence today. But I still got a lot done.

Found out that someone, possibly me, has made an error in my favor and I have 3 promotion points that I was unaware of. Putting me at a total of 482. Let's hope the points don't make a huge climb next month and it's hello stripes goodbye sham-shield. Yes baby, I am ambitious.

I also got to meet the FNG (Fucking New Guy) for CEXC today. Still trying to get a feel for him. He's shy. I'll fix that shit. I did however make sure that he knows how much the BSFM likes cinnabon and told him how that was the fastest way to make friends with him. I told him that it would invoke a serious bonding moment between him and the big Marine. I may be an asshole, but I'm fair.

If you've ever seen the movie the Green Beret's with John Wayne, then this next story will make perfect sense. In the movie they hire on a guy to the 5th Special Forces group. A Sergeant Peterson. They put him on the team because of his ability to scrounge. In my world I refer to it as the Byrd TARP. That is the Byrd Tactical Acquisition and Redistribution Program. Anyway, it was decided that we needed the bumper and brushguard fixed on our response truck. Well, they came out to my shop and said "Hey, Doc! We got a problem. They wanna keep the truck for nearly a month to fix the bumper. What can you do?" Naturally I smiled and came back about 20 minutes later with no truck. She'll be ready tomorrow. The BSFM simply smiled and said well, I need something done, I know who to find. I said yeah, they would've been done today, but the new bumper and brushguard won't be in til tomorrow. He looked at me and said. New huh? I don't wanna know, just make sure the numbers don't match anybody's books. Good Job Peterson.

The question of the day. "Hey Doc, don't you agree that you would want to go in your sleep, when it happens?"

My response to a very reserved religious type... "Hell no! Showing up at the pearly gates pressed and dressed in your sunday best is for some people, but me? Nah. I wanna come in running like hell, boots laced tight, 30 pissed off dude's after me, My demo knife in one hand, The other shooting em the bird, a cigar between my teeth, pockets full of bang screaming "Highway to Hell at the top of my lungs." That's the way to go!

Gimme dem stripes Top!!!

Well, the board is over!!!! Now I can get back to being me and doing the things I wanna do instead of painfully trudging through studying that I don't wanna do. Here is a short list of things I got to do today that I have been missing out on.

Fishing (this time with a permit)
Studying Ordnance (Yes part of my job, but I love doing it)
Smoked a cigar AND enjoyed it
Stared at pics of Noel and wasn't distracted from her

SO yeah, I'm relieved to have it behind me. Even better, as most of you probably know by now, (since I assume you read hers first), I passed the board and was recommended for promotion to Sergeant. SO now, It's all about Team Leader certifications. I'll have plenty to send your way at that point then. I do have something for today, but most of you ladies Iassume won't be able to relate, but Noel said I should vent here anyway.

I'm not mad about this it just frustrates me... One thing you need to know about me on the frontend, is I'm an old countryboy. I ALWAYS have a pocket knife on me. Well, I have recently lost the knife I've been carrying for over 10 years. I'm a bit heartbroken. That's not my problem though. My problem is the laziness that plagues America and the world for that matter. Here goes...

I went today to start shopping for a new blade. I found a lot of knives that I liked, but they all had the same problem. The blade is half-serrated. (If you don't know what that means, it simply means that half of the blade is jagged, similar to a saw instead of having. It's supposed to stay sharper longer. Whatever! Serrations are for people that don't know how to sharpen knives. Laziness, laziness, laziness! If your husband, boyfriend, brother, or whatever has one, they should be desperately ashamed. Serrations on pocket knives are for guys that think "The Hurt Locker" is real. More on that ridiculous movie later...

Thank you General Mattis.

I was told today that General James Mattis of the United States Marine Corps quoted his efforts in Iraq and unknowingly described my attitude as a person and soldier. I was a bit flattered. His story...

At the beginning of the drawdown in Iraq, Artillery pieces and Armor Battalions were no longer needed. Therefore, General Mattis withdrew these assets and redirected his troops accordingly. Afterwards he spoke to the people of Iraq saying this. "I come in peace. I didn’t bring artillery. But I’m pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I’ll kill you all." Thank you to the man that honored me so today. This is about more than most could ever understand.

To the person that insulted me and my brethren today by saying: "There is no reason for me to leave this room under the advisory of such a low ranking soldier. I do not take orders from the bottom and very few outrank me. EOD has no place to tell me what is best for me. You guys die all the time, so apparently you do not know what is best." I say this... My brethren have shed there blood to save your "lower ranking" soldiers. I only hope that you can be present on the day that they place the name of techs KIA on a certain wall in Florida. I could also be so fortunate to be there when a mother, or wife, or father, son, or daughter, looks at you and asks why these things happen. I will raise the bullshit flag on you and gladly lose my stripes if you choose to give them anything but the following. Your loved ones death was a result of some stupid individual much like myself that refuses to listen to the advisory of an expert on their field. Like I said. I'll drop to an E1. Hey, sometimes you have to shoot a hostage!

Out!

A Marine Top, An Air Force Tech Sergeant, and Two Army Specialists, all EOD techs sitting in the chowhall...

There has to be a joke somewhere that starts like that. Regardless that's my day everyday. Unfortunately that will soon end. The Giant Marine and the Phlip are leaving me. They are returning to their regular scheduled programs stateside and the other Specialist is going back to his unit. I will miss them all. We've built a tight family in a short time. Fortunately EOD is a VERY small community and hopefully I will be working with them again very soon. I plan on hooking up with the Phlip when me and Noel go to DC. He has quickly become a GREAT friend.

YAY!!! I have 6 followers. Thanks you ladies. And BTGOAL, thank you for spreading the word about my blog. I love you. Now I know most of you are reading this for the comic relief, so I'll try to please the masses. Unfortunately my days are slow at times, so some days may not be as entertaining. But today has a decent story. Short but entertaining...

Once again, I was standing in Triage and I keep feeling something on my head, so I assume fly. The damn things are everywhere over here. So I keep swatting at it. Little did I know that it was actually a string hanging down that touched my head ever so lightly when I stood up. SO I stand there swatting at this thing. I turn around and there stands about 6 people watching me. Naturally a tour came through as I was doing this. The tour guide didn't miss a beat. He said in good timing and tone. "Ladies and Gentlemen, what you see before you is the ever elusive EOD tech trying to figure out his own basic motor functions. We ask that you don't feed them or stand to close to the cage. They are prone to throw their own feces. We also ask that you not tap on the glass, as it scares the EOD techs and we then have to throw in lots of sugar, coffee, porn, and gun magazines to calm them.

I am off tomorrow ladies, so I have to give my time up to the most beautiful and amazing woman in the world. I love her dearly.

How do you make Iraq miserable?

Everybody knows that being in Iraq sucks. But how do you make Iraq miserable? Just add water! Check this out... Take a 5 pound bag of flour and mix in a gallon of water. Pour it on your driveway. Now walk in it. Welcome to Iraq when it rains. What doesn't stick to your boots in large quantities is thin enough to splash, but thick enough to stick to what it hits. It's horrible! Oh well. Not a whole lot longer now.

For some reason the BSFM decided to waive the run today. Not sure why, but I'm scared to see what happens next. Should be loads of fun!

There are a few terms in the military that I personally love. You won't find them in webster's. They just exist because some people in the military like to use big words and don't know any, so they make some up. Here are a few of my all time favorites...

Electronical- Any item that requires electricity to operate. "Make sure that all electronical components have been removed from the device.

Orientate- To position something in a desired position. "Orientate the weapon downrange."

Come on people. Don't just add a letter or a syllable to a word, go all-out. If you're gonna create a word, CREATE a word. Like...

Craberolish- What happens when you give an EOD tech an expensive piece of equipment and tell him it can't be broken. "DUDE!!! What happened to the robot? Well, I was poking at a device with the gripper. Next thing I know I hear boom. The IED is gone, the robot is all craberolished, and there's chunks of robot and some small animal all over the street. And uh... There are no explosive hazards left down range at this time. *holds hand out* Cookie please!

Today was a helluva day though. Nobody tried to blow us up, but we had a metric shit-ton of evidence come across the table. Oh well, At least I'm not sitting in my CHU biting my nails and tapping my feet waiting for my darling girlfriend to open her pretty little eyes.

A little message to all those with deployed loved ones. Times get rough. Combat can be intense and take a lot out of a man (or woman). But worse than that is having too much downtime. I watched a guy go through a breakdown today, simply because his girl didn't understand why he was being so testy when all he did was work in a lab. Combat stress is hell, I've been there. But idle hands and groundhog days (doing the same thing day in and day out) are sometimes just as bad if not worse. How many times have you said or heard someone say that they are tired of doing the same thing everyday in their job? Well, imagine not being able to come home and vent that to that one you love. That shit builds up. My girl can tell you better than anybody probably. I can really get in some moods from time to time. Now I know that it's hard for you as well, but the little things get to the deployed half and start to build. Having to put on shoes and leave your room just to go pee in the middle of the night, Having to wait for a particular time to eat, Not being able to step outside for some air without making sure somebody knows where you are so if anything happens they can find you. Be patient. If they are bitching about something that seems insignificant to you, well chances are it's a huge deal for them. Oh and personal space? Non-existant!

Per usual a message to my sponsor... I'm probably still in my funk and have missed you oh my god so badly today. Actually considered getting on the white line and calling and waking you up just to hear your voice. I'm terribly sorry about last night, just let my imagination get to me. I love you baby. I can't wait to get back and talk to you tonight!