There are assholes, There's vermin scum, There's axe-murderers and then there's something lower and less desirable. Stuck somewhere between whale shit and lawyers is the existence of one person on this earth that in the eyes of some shouldn't be allowed to walk among the living. One that should be kept in a case with a glass front marked "Break only in the event of world-ending crisis. I agree with them whole heartedly. I'm talking about me...
I am not going to go into great detail about the cause of this blog entry, because I don't feel it's anybody elses business but mine and the one who chooses to forgive me and allow me the opportunity to fix it. I'm talking about none other than that which was the brainchild for this blog in the first place. You all know her. We all love her. My wonderful goddess No, that is now my wife.
Probably not hard for any of you to figure out at this point that I did something incredibly stupid. I almost lost her for good. Worst part for me to realize and admit is that I know she would have been justified in walking, but she didn't. She deserves to be rewarded for this. Here is how I plan on doing it.
I've been dealing with a LOT of shit since I got home. She has stuck by me through all of it. Good, bad, even the suicidal tendencies. She never batted an eye. Just hugged harder, kissed sweeter and loved deeper. What I didn't realize is that I was trying so hard to overcome things that I pushed her aside and ignored all the things that are important to her. She never complained. She didn't say one word until it was too late or so I thought. She spoke, I just didn't listen. That changes now!!!
I've spent years running away from the old me. Running away from who I was, because there was something about that guy at that time that was undesirable. What I couldn't open my eyes too was that he was a much better person than I've become. His good traits far outweighed his bad and that has slowly inverted itself. It's time that I bring the old me back. The me that raced to my CHU from Triage to spend endless hours on Skype with her talking about nothing, just so I could walk in to work red eyed and sleepy to do it all over again that evening. The me that was so confused by why this amazing woman loved me that I constantly asked her. The me that stepped off a plane and into the arms of the woman that would save my life. That is the me that she fell in love with and she deserves a lot more than him, but it's what she wants. It's what she says will make her happy and I intend to give her that back and then some if it kills me.
The last time I told her I was turning over a new leaf I just kinda looked under it and laid it back down. I told her this time that I was turning over a new leaf for sure. I changed my mind. I'm burning the damn leaves, using a large amount of high explosive to take that tree down, and I'm gonna clear-cut and burn the rest of the fucking forest it stands in. Then I'm gonna hand her a single solitary seed and let her plant it where she wants too. Far away from the desolate wasteland I created that was my life. Then I am going to make sure that nothing ever has the opportunity to harm that seed or affect it in any negative way. I love her and she deserves only the best and it's about time she got it. So, I'm hanging up my mask. I'm grabbing my caching pack, my GPS, a collection of Buffet's best and I'm coming home to her again. Coming home to her as the guy she wants and needs. Not because she wants it and needs it, but because she is what I want and definitely what I need and that is the guy I want to be for her. I'll never forgive myself for what she is forgiving me for. I will however never faulter from this path again. It hurts a lot more than me when I do. I can't do that any longer.
"We sailed from the port of indecision. Young and wild with oh so much to learn. Days turned into years as we tried to fool our fears, but to the Port of Indecision I return." (Thank you Mr. Buffet)
