The Port of Indecision...

Been a while... No need for introductions. If you've read this far, then you know the old me. That's all you need to remember at this point, cause times they are a changing. I have something more important to say and I'll start like this...

There are assholes, There's vermin scum, There's axe-murderers and then there's something lower and less desirable. Stuck somewhere between whale shit and lawyers is the existence of one person on this earth that in the eyes of some shouldn't be allowed to walk among the living. One that should be kept in a case with a glass front marked "Break only in the event of world-ending crisis. I agree with them whole heartedly. I'm talking about me...

I am not going to go into great detail about the cause of this blog entry, because I don't feel it's anybody elses business but mine and the one who chooses to forgive me and allow me the opportunity to fix it. I'm talking about none other than that which was the brainchild for this blog in the first place. You all know her. We all love her. My wonderful goddess No, that is now my wife.

Probably not hard for any of you to figure out at this point that I did something incredibly stupid. I almost lost her for good. Worst part for me to realize and admit is that I know she would have been justified in walking, but she didn't. She deserves to be rewarded for this. Here is how I plan on doing it.

I've been dealing with a LOT of shit since I got home. She has stuck by me through all of it. Good, bad, even the suicidal tendencies. She never batted an eye. Just hugged harder, kissed sweeter and loved deeper. What I didn't realize is that I was trying so hard to overcome things that I pushed her aside and ignored all the things that are important to her. She never complained. She didn't say one word until it was too late or so I thought. She spoke, I just didn't listen. That changes now!!!

I've spent years running away from the old me. Running away from who I was, because there was something about that guy at that time that was undesirable. What I couldn't open my eyes too was that he was a much better person than I've become. His good traits far outweighed his bad and that has slowly inverted itself. It's time that I bring the old me back. The me that raced to my CHU from Triage to spend endless hours on Skype with her talking about nothing, just so I could walk in to work red eyed and sleepy to do it all over again that evening. The me that was so confused by why this amazing woman loved me that I constantly asked her. The me that stepped off a plane and into the arms of the woman that would save my life. That is the me that she fell in love with and she deserves a lot more than him, but it's what she wants. It's what she says will make her happy and I intend to give her that back and then some if it kills me.

The last time I told her I was turning over a new leaf I just kinda looked under it and laid it back down. I told her this time that I was turning over a new leaf for sure. I changed my mind. I'm burning the damn leaves, using a large amount of high explosive to take that tree down, and I'm gonna clear-cut and burn the rest of the fucking forest it stands in. Then I'm gonna hand her a single solitary seed and let her plant it where she wants too. Far away from the desolate wasteland I created that was my life. Then I am going to make sure that nothing ever has the opportunity to harm that seed or affect it in any negative way. I love her and she deserves only the best and it's about time she got it. So, I'm hanging up my mask. I'm grabbing my caching pack, my GPS, a collection of Buffet's best and I'm coming home to her again. Coming home to her as the guy she wants and needs. Not because she wants it and needs it, but because she is what I want and definitely what I need and that is the guy I want to be for her. I'll never forgive myself for what she is forgiving me for. I will however never faulter from this path again. It hurts a lot more than me when I do. I can't do that any longer.

"We sailed from the port of indecision. Young and wild with oh so much to learn. Days turned into years as we tried to fool our fears, but to the Port of Indecision I return." (Thank you Mr. Buffet)

Hey mister! Can I have my toy???

Well I'm back sportsfans. Sorry for the delay in writing, but I just reviewed No's blog and she seemed to keep you pretty well up dated. However I am gonna give you one little instance of the humor that seems to follow me and then it's bed time. But, stay tuned I am gonna try to make this a more regular thing since she keeps reminding me that "things" are "blog-worthy".

So no shit, there I was...

We stopped by Wendy's for lunch today while we were out house hunting (as most of you know, we have recently PCS'd to Washington) today. Well nature picked up the phone and dialed my number. So I stood in line behind a kid patiently waiting. When I finally got the chance to drain the overflow tank, I walked in the bathroom and prepared for battle. Just about the time I hit that point of no return I hear "BANG BANG BANG" on the door.

Now, we have all been there. just about to do our thing and that knock happens. Some of us respond to avoid our embarassment and others respond to help others avoid embarassment. Either way I responded with YEAH!!! Indicating that someone was present in the facility. Now I've gotten a few responses to my "YEAH" in these situations before. "Sorry", "You almost done", even the occasional "Is anybody in there?" (Come on dumbass you just heard me yell). However today I got a very unique response from a small voice with extreme volume.

"Hey mister! Can I have my toy? I left it in there."

Until next time...

Upside down and inside out...

Been on the move lately and the only thing I've really used the comp for is geocaching. I haven't farmed in a week.

Here is the entry she wanted me to put in that I wrote on the way home and never posted. More to follow later I promise...

Apparently I’m long overdue on this thing, so here ya go. Sorry if this one is more tear jerking than side-splitting. This is probably gonna be more of a love letter to the greatest woman in my life, made public.

Currently I find my self headed home. Finally! I’ve just gotten back from talking to her and I left in a bit of a tiff over something that pisses me off more than most. Long story short, You don’t flirt with another Tech’s girl regardless of the circumstances. Point is, I’m coming HOME. That place where green grass grows, cool water flows, and you get to look that special someone in the eye when you tell them you love them and a headset and good internet connection is no longer necessary. Home…

A lot of sayings out there about home.

“Home is where the heart is”

“Home is wherever you hang your hat”

“Home is where you make it”

All true, depending on your views of life. As most of my stories are told in the present tense so shall this one…

Here I sit taking my boots off in Spain and for the first time look at the battle scars they bare. The circles from the sweat, the blood stains of friend and foe, the hardened parts from the date juice in our training area, my blood type in Sharpie on the inside upper portion of my right boot, the frayed bootlaces, even the dogtag in my left boot, shiny from constant wear and the copper wire holding it in place that I pulled form an IED I worked shortly after I arrived in country. “Never Alone” plays in the background. I actually take a moment to listen to the words. They couldn’t be more true. What most of you don’t know is No helped me to deal with a VERY hard time in my life and that’s how our relationship grew to be what it is. Since the day we decided we should try things out with us, I’ve dealt with some horrible times. Stress from work, stress from life, near death experiences, and a lingering fear of today could be the last. All that time I’ve known that you were wondering where and what I was doing when I knew that at moments I was EXTREMELY glad that you weren’t aware of what I was doing. Because I knew you would be at wits end and deathly afraid. I’ve never felt alone since you came into my life. I’ve never felt unwanted. I’ve never felt unimportant. I’ve always felt lucky to have you and like I say, “I’d rather be lucky than good any day”. I’ll be home soon. I’m at a point now that seconds seem like hours and hours seem to never end. I miss you, but I’ll be there before you know it. “When hard times have found me, I’ve wrapped your love around me and Realized I’m never alone.”

The hot chick...

I've thought all along that No was by far one of the most beautiful creatures that has ever walked the face of the earth (no offense ladies) apparently others recognize this too. Apparently it is also blatently obvious to others that I care VERY deeply for her and that she is the most important thing in the world to me. Don't take my word for it, take his...

On an average day, I come in from Triage and lay my armor down with my helmet beside it in the office, so the next morning I can grab it on my way out and it's not cluttering up my spacious room (10'x10'). Well, part of my devotion to the goddess I call my girlfriend is my favorite picture of her (laid back on the couch, hand in her hair, with those big "come take me now" eyes staring at the camera) I keep in my helmet. Well often times, this picture get's seen because my helmet gets laid upside down, it falls and somebody just lays it back on my vest, or some people are just plain nosey. Well, the other morning, I was standing in the shower when a friend of mine walks in and says "Hey Doc! I've got some funny shit to tell you!" Apparently he was walking through the office and saw a helmet laying there with a picture in it. He, being nosey like most techs, picked up the helmet. He, being one of my best friends, immediately recognized that it was No. As soon as he did he made the following request of the entire room... "Who's fucking helmet is this and why do you have a picture of No?" He immediately turned to the nearest face which happened to be a FNG and immediately began to question him using my favorite FSV (Force, Speed, Violence) tactics. "Who the fuck? Why the fuck? What the fuck?!!! Naturally the kid freaked. He had no idea what was going on. The poor kid almost cried. Well about 2 minutes into this verbal beating, My boy looked at the band on the helmet and realized he was in fact holding MY helmet. Sorry little dude. Wrong place, wrong time. You'll be ok.

Well, to further reinforce the fact that I am in love with a goddess sent to me by the Blaster Gods on High, I give you story number 2....

So there I was, on the bike in the Gym jamming to LMFAO "I'm in Miami Bitch!!!" on my iPod with my brand new (amazing might I add) Shure headphones. Sidebar- If you need new headphones and don't mind coming off about $70, jump on Amazon and check out the "Shure" line. You can spend a couple hundred bucks on them or you can hit the $60-$100 range and be perfectly content. So anyway... Gym, Bike, LMFAO... A guy walks in that I know and jumps on the bike next to me. Now this guy isn't a REAL close friend. More of an acquaintance, if you will. However I do know him well enough to know that he has UNGODLY high standards when it comes to women. SO we are sitting there, I'm in a zone turning about 120 RPM's almost to the top of Kilimanjaro and I get a jab in the side that brings me back to Iraq. I look over and he points in front of us at the female type that has just gotten on the machine in front of us and says "Check that out." I looked of course. (One more reason I love No. I can tell this story factually and not worry about her getting bent out of shape because I looked at some other chick momentarily) I nodded at him and said "Ehhh... 6-10-6 (She's a 6 in the states. Deploys.Due to a lack of options eventually starts to look like a 10 and upon redeployment to the states she reclaims her status as a 6 as options are more plentiful) To this he responds... "She not exactly No, but she's not that bad." WTF Dude?! You just established your 1-10 scale using my girlfriend as your high-end. I don't know whether to be flattered or fold up your face.

Until next time... (gotta go pick strawberries)

Big boobs, bikinis, booze, and the EOD Ball. Welcome home boys we're going to Florida!!!

Sorry I haven't written in a while, but things have been crazy. The wonderful world of Triage has been uber nuts lately, one of my tasks on my team leader packet got kicked back to me because people couldn't get on the same page, and I've got a lot on my plate trying to get the hell out of this place. I appreciate the following I get from you, but I'm sure you understand when I say that your entertainment doesn't even come into play when compared to me getting home to my girl in a timely manner. Not to mention, I've been kinda pissy lately and I don't feel much like blogging when I am. But for now I'm in a good mood...

FUCKING FARMVILLE!!! I swear. I can't stop. It's a bad disease. If you play Farmville, it's too late (find me I need more neighbors so I can expand my farm). If you don't , don't do it. If you do decide to do it, you should run right out and stand in traffic. They even have achievables. It's ridiculous. (You should all ask No about her achievables especially the one about her eye. HA HA HA) Anyway. I've gotten hooked on this damn game. BRB gotta harvest raspberries... Like I was saying, addictive! I schedule crops around where I'm gonna be by the time they mature. But, It makes No happy and BRB cherry trees need picking... and that's what matters is her being happy. Which brings me to my next point...

We are headed to the EOD Ball when I get home and killing so many birds with one stone. Vacation, a chance to honor the fallen, my girl in a bikini, and I get to visit my mom on the way. I'm pretty stoked about it. No loves the BRB gotta gather eggs... beach and I'm gonna give her a couple extra days there. I can't wait! After that it's leave time and I feel I deserve it. Can't wait to get back and BRB No has a fox problem on her farm... see the family and drink with the boys. A lot of catching up to be done.

Last but not least, You ca nnow call me Sergeant. I pinned on my Sergeant's rank today and I am SUPER happy about it. EOD makes rank faster than anyone in the military just about. To put it in persepective, I have been in Iraq for nearly a year now. I put boots on the ground BRB gotta milk a cow... as an E3 and will be leaving as an E5. I know I know. Ambitious, but hey I pulled it off so HA HA HA!!! Anyway. That's about all I have for now. I gotta go fertilize a friends crops...

Hey dude! Go tell Gunny we need some ID10T forms...

It was one of those days. The "FNG" (Fucking New Guy) was being a complete panty waste today. I swear. Some people just need to be punched in the mouth. Unfortunately he too wears the uniform of the United States Army and I can't do that. Oh well, today was filled with fun and excitement for all... except him...

Score 1. Me and Herb (name changed to protect the innocent) are standing in the bathroom with the FNG (we had been cleaning). I was resting on the lip of the sink facing Herb with FNG to my left facing my left side. As Herb and I were discussing EOD stuff (procedures, ordnance identification, a bunch of stuff you probably don't care about) FNG made the comment, after being asked a question about a piece of ordnance, that he didn't need to know that stuff, because that's not what being an EOD tech is about. Naturally, since it is and I value my job dearly, I immediately retaliated. Without even glancing in FNG's direction I rolled one latex glove up in my hand and slipped the other off my hand leaving just the fingertips in the glove. I pulled back on it and let it fly. Now, remember that I was not looking in FNG's direction at all. I never broke eye contact with Herb. He wasn't even in my peripheral. But, lo and behold the gloves covered the 6 or so feet between me and FNG with lightning speed and came to rest across FNG's face with a crack that resounded through the bathroom. Now that's fucking ninja skills!!!

Score 2. As FNG was moving the vehicle I put on my best poker face. He came in and I told him that Gunny was needing some ID-10-T forms. He thought I was being funny. I assured him I was not. SO he left to go find Gunny.WEll Gunny wasn't in his office to help FNG with his dilemma of finding his forms. SInce Gunny couldn't be found FNG came back to me to tell me that he couldn't find them. SO I fessed up that it was a joke. I told him that the ID-10-T form had gone out of circulation years ago. However I was pretty sure that he could find a Master Blaster that would know what they are. Sooo...

Score 3. He went and found a Master Blaster. The very one that is handling my Team Leader certs and asked him where he could find a stack of ID-10-T forms. Well, I'm sure most of you are thinking... "Okay, so he has a kid on a wild goose chase for an outdated form". WEll... not exactly. The moral of this story is. It's crazy to ask a Marine Gunny for a stack of ID-10-T forms, but to ask an Army First Sergeant takes a REAL ID10T.

Kent 3
FNG 0

Tommorow is a new day...

Ring the bell and raise your glasses... The first drink is for the fallen...

I know once again I have taken a while to blog, but my days are pretty loaded as of late and I am sure that you understand when I spend all of my free time talking to Noel. Unfortunately I can't bring myself to begin this blog on a jovial note, but I will try to end it as such. To anyone who reads this who has never been involved on a romantic level with a boots-on-the-ground deployed soldier I apologize if you take any offense to any of the following. Having a loved one (brother, sister, dad, mom) in a combat zone affects people, but none is harder felt than that of a significant other. The only ones that come close are those that have to see their sons and daughters go to war.

To Mrs. P.

I hate to be generic, but I am terribly sorry to hear about your loss. I heard about it as soon as I woke up this morning. That's no way for anyone to begin their day. I'm not gonna be like most and sugar coat things to help you cope. Its fucking terrible and that's all there is to be said. You have suffered a trial that most will never know and none want to. It's because of incidents like this that when people tell me they will pray for me in my service, I thank them and tell them that the prayer needed most is for those significant others serving at home. Those that have to go to bed at night worried and wondering what is going on. One of the common misconceptions to war is that those in danger are the ones with the hardest job. Ask those that are deployed who has the hardest job. They will surely tell you that the hardest job is had by the wives and girlfriends of the military. The ones who at some time in their relationship have been introduced to a ranking NCO or officer by their service member and received a greeting of "Welcome to the military ma'am." This isn't a gimic. This is honesty at it's finest. Because those in uniform as well as those in your shoes know that the day they begin a relationship with their Marine, soldier, airman or sailor that they might as well raise their right hand and say the words. They too have just joined the military. Your life, health, safety, and well being has just become another mission on his plate and by far the most important in his eyes. You are what he thinks about as he laces his boots in the morning, charges his weapon, and starts his day, just as you are when he calls it a day and does what he can to sleep. What most don't understand is that YOU have made the ultimate sacrifice. All those in uniform understand your loss and are sorry that it has happened. I only hope that you can find peace with his death and allow your self to tighten your laces and drive on in his memory. If you need anything, Noel can tell you how to get in touch with me. I leave you with the words of a soldier... "For those who have fought for it, Freedom has a taste the protected will never know." I, unlike most, know that you are also one of those fighting this war. As I raise a glass for my fallen EOD brethren, I will also remember your husband's name and when the bell rings at the end of the day, I will see to it that he too is honored at our table. Semper Fidelis

Now to lighten the mood and hopefully to stop the water works I have just invoked from a number of people...

I'm confused about why women cry when they are happy. It's confusing as hell and Noel can tell you that it frustrates me horribly when she does it, because they are still tears and I feel terrible for making her cry. Here is my latest "This shit would be a lot funnier if it weren't happening to me" incident.

As you remember a while back Noel asked me (after I got mad at her for not including me in her problems) to help her out with a homework assignment. She needed someone of a Non-American background to do a survey. Well, I'm in Iraq, so conveniently enough I am surrounded by said subjects. So I too asked one of our interpreters (who I will call Sylvia for her own safety) to complete the project for her. She did so gladly and according to Noel very efficiently, as Noel had very little to do to convert it into the paper she needed to write. Well, as fate would have it Sylvia was having a birthday soon. So I figured I would get her something (deliver to her something that Noel bought) that would thank her for her help as well as say happy birthday. Well, All girls regardless of age like to smell pretty, so I told Noel, to hook her up. So.... she did. I received a package that contained some girly smell good stuff. Signed the card from Noel and I and walked it over to her. When i handed it to her in front of a few others, she threw her hands over her face and STARTED CRYING!!! I didn't know what to do. I FELT HORRIBLE! I just made her cry. I didn't mean to. It was actually the exact opposite of the reaction I was trying to invoke. One of those present at the scene would later describe my reaction as "somewhere between a dog hearing an odd high-pitch noise and looking like a kid who had just gotten blamed for something his big brother had done and nobody wanted to hear his excuses".I just stood there with my mouth half open and making a repetitive "bu.. bu.. bu.." sound. I was VERY confused. So I left and went and got Cinnabon and everybody stopped crying. I still feel bad when I see her. You people are very... YES! I mean YOU PEOPLE! are very very confusing.