The hot chick...

I've thought all along that No was by far one of the most beautiful creatures that has ever walked the face of the earth (no offense ladies) apparently others recognize this too. Apparently it is also blatently obvious to others that I care VERY deeply for her and that she is the most important thing in the world to me. Don't take my word for it, take his...

On an average day, I come in from Triage and lay my armor down with my helmet beside it in the office, so the next morning I can grab it on my way out and it's not cluttering up my spacious room (10'x10'). Well, part of my devotion to the goddess I call my girlfriend is my favorite picture of her (laid back on the couch, hand in her hair, with those big "come take me now" eyes staring at the camera) I keep in my helmet. Well often times, this picture get's seen because my helmet gets laid upside down, it falls and somebody just lays it back on my vest, or some people are just plain nosey. Well, the other morning, I was standing in the shower when a friend of mine walks in and says "Hey Doc! I've got some funny shit to tell you!" Apparently he was walking through the office and saw a helmet laying there with a picture in it. He, being nosey like most techs, picked up the helmet. He, being one of my best friends, immediately recognized that it was No. As soon as he did he made the following request of the entire room... "Who's fucking helmet is this and why do you have a picture of No?" He immediately turned to the nearest face which happened to be a FNG and immediately began to question him using my favorite FSV (Force, Speed, Violence) tactics. "Who the fuck? Why the fuck? What the fuck?!!! Naturally the kid freaked. He had no idea what was going on. The poor kid almost cried. Well about 2 minutes into this verbal beating, My boy looked at the band on the helmet and realized he was in fact holding MY helmet. Sorry little dude. Wrong place, wrong time. You'll be ok.

Well, to further reinforce the fact that I am in love with a goddess sent to me by the Blaster Gods on High, I give you story number 2....

So there I was, on the bike in the Gym jamming to LMFAO "I'm in Miami Bitch!!!" on my iPod with my brand new (amazing might I add) Shure headphones. Sidebar- If you need new headphones and don't mind coming off about $70, jump on Amazon and check out the "Shure" line. You can spend a couple hundred bucks on them or you can hit the $60-$100 range and be perfectly content. So anyway... Gym, Bike, LMFAO... A guy walks in that I know and jumps on the bike next to me. Now this guy isn't a REAL close friend. More of an acquaintance, if you will. However I do know him well enough to know that he has UNGODLY high standards when it comes to women. SO we are sitting there, I'm in a zone turning about 120 RPM's almost to the top of Kilimanjaro and I get a jab in the side that brings me back to Iraq. I look over and he points in front of us at the female type that has just gotten on the machine in front of us and says "Check that out." I looked of course. (One more reason I love No. I can tell this story factually and not worry about her getting bent out of shape because I looked at some other chick momentarily) I nodded at him and said "Ehhh... 6-10-6 (She's a 6 in the states. Deploys.Due to a lack of options eventually starts to look like a 10 and upon redeployment to the states she reclaims her status as a 6 as options are more plentiful) To this he responds... "She not exactly No, but she's not that bad." WTF Dude?! You just established your 1-10 scale using my girlfriend as your high-end. I don't know whether to be flattered or fold up your face.

Until next time... (gotta go pick strawberries)

Big boobs, bikinis, booze, and the EOD Ball. Welcome home boys we're going to Florida!!!

Sorry I haven't written in a while, but things have been crazy. The wonderful world of Triage has been uber nuts lately, one of my tasks on my team leader packet got kicked back to me because people couldn't get on the same page, and I've got a lot on my plate trying to get the hell out of this place. I appreciate the following I get from you, but I'm sure you understand when I say that your entertainment doesn't even come into play when compared to me getting home to my girl in a timely manner. Not to mention, I've been kinda pissy lately and I don't feel much like blogging when I am. But for now I'm in a good mood...

FUCKING FARMVILLE!!! I swear. I can't stop. It's a bad disease. If you play Farmville, it's too late (find me I need more neighbors so I can expand my farm). If you don't , don't do it. If you do decide to do it, you should run right out and stand in traffic. They even have achievables. It's ridiculous. (You should all ask No about her achievables especially the one about her eye. HA HA HA) Anyway. I've gotten hooked on this damn game. BRB gotta harvest raspberries... Like I was saying, addictive! I schedule crops around where I'm gonna be by the time they mature. But, It makes No happy and BRB cherry trees need picking... and that's what matters is her being happy. Which brings me to my next point...

We are headed to the EOD Ball when I get home and killing so many birds with one stone. Vacation, a chance to honor the fallen, my girl in a bikini, and I get to visit my mom on the way. I'm pretty stoked about it. No loves the BRB gotta gather eggs... beach and I'm gonna give her a couple extra days there. I can't wait! After that it's leave time and I feel I deserve it. Can't wait to get back and BRB No has a fox problem on her farm... see the family and drink with the boys. A lot of catching up to be done.

Last but not least, You ca nnow call me Sergeant. I pinned on my Sergeant's rank today and I am SUPER happy about it. EOD makes rank faster than anyone in the military just about. To put it in persepective, I have been in Iraq for nearly a year now. I put boots on the ground BRB gotta milk a cow... as an E3 and will be leaving as an E5. I know I know. Ambitious, but hey I pulled it off so HA HA HA!!! Anyway. That's about all I have for now. I gotta go fertilize a friends crops...

Hey dude! Go tell Gunny we need some ID10T forms...

It was one of those days. The "FNG" (Fucking New Guy) was being a complete panty waste today. I swear. Some people just need to be punched in the mouth. Unfortunately he too wears the uniform of the United States Army and I can't do that. Oh well, today was filled with fun and excitement for all... except him...

Score 1. Me and Herb (name changed to protect the innocent) are standing in the bathroom with the FNG (we had been cleaning). I was resting on the lip of the sink facing Herb with FNG to my left facing my left side. As Herb and I were discussing EOD stuff (procedures, ordnance identification, a bunch of stuff you probably don't care about) FNG made the comment, after being asked a question about a piece of ordnance, that he didn't need to know that stuff, because that's not what being an EOD tech is about. Naturally, since it is and I value my job dearly, I immediately retaliated. Without even glancing in FNG's direction I rolled one latex glove up in my hand and slipped the other off my hand leaving just the fingertips in the glove. I pulled back on it and let it fly. Now, remember that I was not looking in FNG's direction at all. I never broke eye contact with Herb. He wasn't even in my peripheral. But, lo and behold the gloves covered the 6 or so feet between me and FNG with lightning speed and came to rest across FNG's face with a crack that resounded through the bathroom. Now that's fucking ninja skills!!!

Score 2. As FNG was moving the vehicle I put on my best poker face. He came in and I told him that Gunny was needing some ID-10-T forms. He thought I was being funny. I assured him I was not. SO he left to go find Gunny.WEll Gunny wasn't in his office to help FNG with his dilemma of finding his forms. SInce Gunny couldn't be found FNG came back to me to tell me that he couldn't find them. SO I fessed up that it was a joke. I told him that the ID-10-T form had gone out of circulation years ago. However I was pretty sure that he could find a Master Blaster that would know what they are. Sooo...

Score 3. He went and found a Master Blaster. The very one that is handling my Team Leader certs and asked him where he could find a stack of ID-10-T forms. Well, I'm sure most of you are thinking... "Okay, so he has a kid on a wild goose chase for an outdated form". WEll... not exactly. The moral of this story is. It's crazy to ask a Marine Gunny for a stack of ID-10-T forms, but to ask an Army First Sergeant takes a REAL ID10T.

Kent 3
FNG 0

Tommorow is a new day...

Ring the bell and raise your glasses... The first drink is for the fallen...

I know once again I have taken a while to blog, but my days are pretty loaded as of late and I am sure that you understand when I spend all of my free time talking to Noel. Unfortunately I can't bring myself to begin this blog on a jovial note, but I will try to end it as such. To anyone who reads this who has never been involved on a romantic level with a boots-on-the-ground deployed soldier I apologize if you take any offense to any of the following. Having a loved one (brother, sister, dad, mom) in a combat zone affects people, but none is harder felt than that of a significant other. The only ones that come close are those that have to see their sons and daughters go to war.

To Mrs. P.

I hate to be generic, but I am terribly sorry to hear about your loss. I heard about it as soon as I woke up this morning. That's no way for anyone to begin their day. I'm not gonna be like most and sugar coat things to help you cope. Its fucking terrible and that's all there is to be said. You have suffered a trial that most will never know and none want to. It's because of incidents like this that when people tell me they will pray for me in my service, I thank them and tell them that the prayer needed most is for those significant others serving at home. Those that have to go to bed at night worried and wondering what is going on. One of the common misconceptions to war is that those in danger are the ones with the hardest job. Ask those that are deployed who has the hardest job. They will surely tell you that the hardest job is had by the wives and girlfriends of the military. The ones who at some time in their relationship have been introduced to a ranking NCO or officer by their service member and received a greeting of "Welcome to the military ma'am." This isn't a gimic. This is honesty at it's finest. Because those in uniform as well as those in your shoes know that the day they begin a relationship with their Marine, soldier, airman or sailor that they might as well raise their right hand and say the words. They too have just joined the military. Your life, health, safety, and well being has just become another mission on his plate and by far the most important in his eyes. You are what he thinks about as he laces his boots in the morning, charges his weapon, and starts his day, just as you are when he calls it a day and does what he can to sleep. What most don't understand is that YOU have made the ultimate sacrifice. All those in uniform understand your loss and are sorry that it has happened. I only hope that you can find peace with his death and allow your self to tighten your laces and drive on in his memory. If you need anything, Noel can tell you how to get in touch with me. I leave you with the words of a soldier... "For those who have fought for it, Freedom has a taste the protected will never know." I, unlike most, know that you are also one of those fighting this war. As I raise a glass for my fallen EOD brethren, I will also remember your husband's name and when the bell rings at the end of the day, I will see to it that he too is honored at our table. Semper Fidelis

Now to lighten the mood and hopefully to stop the water works I have just invoked from a number of people...

I'm confused about why women cry when they are happy. It's confusing as hell and Noel can tell you that it frustrates me horribly when she does it, because they are still tears and I feel terrible for making her cry. Here is my latest "This shit would be a lot funnier if it weren't happening to me" incident.

As you remember a while back Noel asked me (after I got mad at her for not including me in her problems) to help her out with a homework assignment. She needed someone of a Non-American background to do a survey. Well, I'm in Iraq, so conveniently enough I am surrounded by said subjects. So I too asked one of our interpreters (who I will call Sylvia for her own safety) to complete the project for her. She did so gladly and according to Noel very efficiently, as Noel had very little to do to convert it into the paper she needed to write. Well, as fate would have it Sylvia was having a birthday soon. So I figured I would get her something (deliver to her something that Noel bought) that would thank her for her help as well as say happy birthday. Well, All girls regardless of age like to smell pretty, so I told Noel, to hook her up. So.... she did. I received a package that contained some girly smell good stuff. Signed the card from Noel and I and walked it over to her. When i handed it to her in front of a few others, she threw her hands over her face and STARTED CRYING!!! I didn't know what to do. I FELT HORRIBLE! I just made her cry. I didn't mean to. It was actually the exact opposite of the reaction I was trying to invoke. One of those present at the scene would later describe my reaction as "somewhere between a dog hearing an odd high-pitch noise and looking like a kid who had just gotten blamed for something his big brother had done and nobody wanted to hear his excuses".I just stood there with my mouth half open and making a repetitive "bu.. bu.. bu.." sound. I was VERY confused. So I left and went and got Cinnabon and everybody stopped crying. I still feel bad when I see her. You people are very... YES! I mean YOU PEOPLE! are very very confusing.

Uhhh... What the fuck? Over!

Making mistakes can sometimes be fatal. Like if an artillery Fire Control Technician (the guy that tells the guys with the big guns where to shoot) kicks a number, what was intended to take out the bad guys could take out our own boys. Of course as luck would have it, its more than likely gonna hit right dead center of the Midvale school for the Deaf, Blind, and Retarded which will naturally be located right between a Giant Redwood Forest and a Baby Seal Sanctuary. That's Murphy...

But, mistakes don't always end in tragedy and public apology to PETA and Green Peace. On occasion, the EOD Gods take my hard work into account and they shine down upon me entertainment on a very grand scale. Such was the case today. (Due to the secure nature of the incident (nobody with a lot of brass wants to be laughed at publicly) I can't tell you the whole story, but I can sum it up with one collective statement.) Read what the entire page has to say, because if you don't, you could embarrass yourself and others on 3 different continents very quickly and spend a LOT of money in the process. For example... If a document says "The disposition of the item is nuclear..." Don't assume that someone is building Nuclear IED's. Read on down the page. You might realize that the nature of the item is in fact "UNclear" at this time and that you will get more info as it is discovered. Besides. Just how bad would a nuclear device be that's in a water bottle??? Just saying. I'm just saying... or as my partner so aptly put it today...

Uhhh... What the fuck? Over.

I am not a whore...

LESLIE!!!! Are you ok? I haven't blogged in a while and I just wanted to make sure that you are still alive. I have been told that my lack of blogging has been extremely detrimental to your health. I'm sorry. I've been super busy and I greatly apologize and remember that ALL things can be solved with the proper application of High Explosives.

I AM NOT A WHORE!!! If you don't know who the band LMFAO is, get off my freaking blog right now and check them out RIGHT NOW!!! I AM NOT A WHORE... but I like to do it...

So EOD has a new meaning. It apparently now reads "Hey, ask me about that fucking movie!!!"

If you haven't seen "The Hurt Locker", please rush right out and burn down any theater that is showing it. It's not necessarily a bad movie, it just isn't what EOD is. I can't wait however to get back to the states and hear some kid in a bar use it as a pickup line. "Yeah, you seen The Hurt Locker? Yeah, that's what I do. I'm EOD." I will be sure to raise the bullshit flag. Even if Noel is with me, she will understand when I swoop in and cock-block the guy simply because he's being an idiot. I'm actually sorta hoping some guy tries to pull the shit with her. That would be epic.

Anyway, I'm back and I'll try to be a little more consistent. Sorry Leslie. Please don't freak out!!!

FNG's, scrounging, and small taco's. What a day...

Today was... productive.

We didn't process a bit of evidence today. But I still got a lot done.

Found out that someone, possibly me, has made an error in my favor and I have 3 promotion points that I was unaware of. Putting me at a total of 482. Let's hope the points don't make a huge climb next month and it's hello stripes goodbye sham-shield. Yes baby, I am ambitious.

I also got to meet the FNG (Fucking New Guy) for CEXC today. Still trying to get a feel for him. He's shy. I'll fix that shit. I did however make sure that he knows how much the BSFM likes cinnabon and told him how that was the fastest way to make friends with him. I told him that it would invoke a serious bonding moment between him and the big Marine. I may be an asshole, but I'm fair.

If you've ever seen the movie the Green Beret's with John Wayne, then this next story will make perfect sense. In the movie they hire on a guy to the 5th Special Forces group. A Sergeant Peterson. They put him on the team because of his ability to scrounge. In my world I refer to it as the Byrd TARP. That is the Byrd Tactical Acquisition and Redistribution Program. Anyway, it was decided that we needed the bumper and brushguard fixed on our response truck. Well, they came out to my shop and said "Hey, Doc! We got a problem. They wanna keep the truck for nearly a month to fix the bumper. What can you do?" Naturally I smiled and came back about 20 minutes later with no truck. She'll be ready tomorrow. The BSFM simply smiled and said well, I need something done, I know who to find. I said yeah, they would've been done today, but the new bumper and brushguard won't be in til tomorrow. He looked at me and said. New huh? I don't wanna know, just make sure the numbers don't match anybody's books. Good Job Peterson.

The question of the day. "Hey Doc, don't you agree that you would want to go in your sleep, when it happens?"

My response to a very reserved religious type... "Hell no! Showing up at the pearly gates pressed and dressed in your sunday best is for some people, but me? Nah. I wanna come in running like hell, boots laced tight, 30 pissed off dude's after me, My demo knife in one hand, The other shooting em the bird, a cigar between my teeth, pockets full of bang screaming "Highway to Hell at the top of my lungs." That's the way to go!

Gimme dem stripes Top!!!

Well, the board is over!!!! Now I can get back to being me and doing the things I wanna do instead of painfully trudging through studying that I don't wanna do. Here is a short list of things I got to do today that I have been missing out on.

Fishing (this time with a permit)
Studying Ordnance (Yes part of my job, but I love doing it)
Smoked a cigar AND enjoyed it
Stared at pics of Noel and wasn't distracted from her

SO yeah, I'm relieved to have it behind me. Even better, as most of you probably know by now, (since I assume you read hers first), I passed the board and was recommended for promotion to Sergeant. SO now, It's all about Team Leader certifications. I'll have plenty to send your way at that point then. I do have something for today, but most of you ladies Iassume won't be able to relate, but Noel said I should vent here anyway.

I'm not mad about this it just frustrates me... One thing you need to know about me on the frontend, is I'm an old countryboy. I ALWAYS have a pocket knife on me. Well, I have recently lost the knife I've been carrying for over 10 years. I'm a bit heartbroken. That's not my problem though. My problem is the laziness that plagues America and the world for that matter. Here goes...

I went today to start shopping for a new blade. I found a lot of knives that I liked, but they all had the same problem. The blade is half-serrated. (If you don't know what that means, it simply means that half of the blade is jagged, similar to a saw instead of having. It's supposed to stay sharper longer. Whatever! Serrations are for people that don't know how to sharpen knives. Laziness, laziness, laziness! If your husband, boyfriend, brother, or whatever has one, they should be desperately ashamed. Serrations on pocket knives are for guys that think "The Hurt Locker" is real. More on that ridiculous movie later...

Thank you General Mattis.

I was told today that General James Mattis of the United States Marine Corps quoted his efforts in Iraq and unknowingly described my attitude as a person and soldier. I was a bit flattered. His story...

At the beginning of the drawdown in Iraq, Artillery pieces and Armor Battalions were no longer needed. Therefore, General Mattis withdrew these assets and redirected his troops accordingly. Afterwards he spoke to the people of Iraq saying this. "I come in peace. I didn’t bring artillery. But I’m pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I’ll kill you all." Thank you to the man that honored me so today. This is about more than most could ever understand.

To the person that insulted me and my brethren today by saying: "There is no reason for me to leave this room under the advisory of such a low ranking soldier. I do not take orders from the bottom and very few outrank me. EOD has no place to tell me what is best for me. You guys die all the time, so apparently you do not know what is best." I say this... My brethren have shed there blood to save your "lower ranking" soldiers. I only hope that you can be present on the day that they place the name of techs KIA on a certain wall in Florida. I could also be so fortunate to be there when a mother, or wife, or father, son, or daughter, looks at you and asks why these things happen. I will raise the bullshit flag on you and gladly lose my stripes if you choose to give them anything but the following. Your loved ones death was a result of some stupid individual much like myself that refuses to listen to the advisory of an expert on their field. Like I said. I'll drop to an E1. Hey, sometimes you have to shoot a hostage!

Out!